Disclaimer: This satirical text is purely fictional and meant for humor and entertainment.

“Women deserve better,” Gaines told the popular talk show hosts, “But you’ve let them down.”
Riley Gaines wasted no time laying into Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar on a recent taping of “The View.” According to witnesses in the audience, as soon as Whoopi opened her mouth, Riley shut her down.

“You don’t care about actual women,” she told Goldberg, “you only care about whatever social justice warrior is currently in the news. Were you there for women when Lia Thomas stole the race from me?”

Joy Behar began to chime in, but Riley stopped her dead in her tracks as well. “You’re ignorant,” she said, “both of you.” With that she walked off the stage. She told producers on the way out that she never intended to give them enough to go to air with.

Indeed she didn’t. Showrunner Joe Barron says the segment was scrapped immediately. “Lesson learned,” he said. Riley Gaines: 1 – The View: 0.

Correspondent Tara Newhole caught up with Goldberg after the show and asked why they refused to air the segment. “Look, child,” she said smugly, “that girl came up in here angry. She yelled some nonsense and stormed away. All upset because she tied for 5th instead of being the 4th loser all alone. Of course we scrapped the segment.”

It doesn’t matter what she says. The young star is now on the conservative radar as a hero, and has therefore earned her own “Rewarding Riley Gaines” category on our sites.

Congratulations, Riley. You fit the template perfectly. God Bless America.