Mark Wahlberg says the Good Lord brought him together with his new friends Jason Aldean and Kid Rock. “We were all at the same premier, and before we knew it, we were just…one,” said Wahlberg. “We knew what we had to do. We had to jam.”

And Jam they shall. Wahlberg says he’ll be resurrecting the Marky-Mark musical side from his past — without the sin that came with it. “I was a terrible person. I hurt others. But through our Lord and Savior, I’m whole again.”

Marky will tour with Kid Rock and Jason Aldean next year when they kick off their “Small Town” tour across the country. “I grew up in Dorchester,” said Wahlberg, “so I know a thing or two about beating the crap out of rubes from small towns. This will be a nice change of pace.”

Kid Rock and Jason Aldean are both “ecstatic” about the addition to their already kick-ass tour.

“Yeah man,” said Kid, “Marky-Mark? He’s like…famous for real. Not right-wing stooge famous like us.”  Aldean agreed: “I have a following that likes to line dance to shitty music, but otherwise, yeah. About 270 million people heard my name for the first time a few months ago. Marky-Mark did Ted. He’s the real deal.”

Tour tickets go on sale as soon as Taylor Swift is done with her shows so the trio doesn’t look silly selling the total VIP package with a foot rub from Kid himself for $300 each.

We’ll keep you updated on this developing story. God Bless America.