In an astonishing twist of events, the National Football League (NFL) has announced a ban on global pop sensation, Taylor Swift, from attending any further games, citing a precipitous drop in TV ratings coinciding with her appearances. The decision has sparked a blaze of controversy and discussion, especially among Swifties and sports fans worldwide.

“We’ve crunched the numbers, and it’s clear: Swift is to blame for the drop in our viewership,” declared an NFL spokesperson, presenting a graph with a noticeable decline that conveniently aligns with Swift’s attendance at games. “Her mere presence caused a 50% drop, and we simply cannot stand by idly. Effective immediately, Ms. Swift is banned from entering any NFL stadium.”

The reasoning behind the ban, according to the NFL, is the newly coined “Taylor Swift Effect.” The effect, puzzling scientists and statisticians alike, denotes a mysterious phenomenon where anything the popstar touches turns to media frenzy, overshadowing all adjacent events, including an entire sports league known for its voracious and dedicated fan base.

Swift’s publicist released a statement in response to the surprising decision: “While Taylor is admittedly powerful in the pop culture sphere, attributing a drop in NFL ratings to her presence is both ludicrous and scientifically unfounded.”

Despite the seemingly rash blame placed upon Swift, a deeper dive into the logic of the NFL reveals a wellspring of considered (though entirely speculative and uncorroborated) reasoning.